Alone In A Crowd
We sat on the front row of the church together nearly every Sunday for thirty-eight years, and then, one day, I was alone. I was alone in a crowd of a thousand people.
I was twenty-two when I woke up one morning in a dorm room with someone I didn’t know and started college with hundreds of people around me all day. It was lonely.
It’s not fun to feel alone in a crowd, is it? But it happens to all of us several times throughout our lives. Why is this true? Let’s think about it together.
My wife of thirty-eight years had just passed, and it was time for me to return to work since I was the church pastor. I would never see my beautiful Gail gracing the stage leading worship with that magnificent smile. No one could ever replace her; I was alone.
I was surrounded by hundreds of wonderful people and many close friends, yet they seemed distant, like a chasm that could not be crossed. There were other worshippers in my row, but it was difficult to notice them because there was an empty seat between us.
When we lose someone we love, one who cannot be replaced, the vacuum formed in our hearts separates us from all others for a time. Why? Because our loss leaves a painful relational hole that overshadows every other connection. Our mind becomes so focused on the loss that we cannot fully accept the love and concern of others. Though I was among so many people who loved me, I felt alone.
It is okay to feel this way in this situation. It is a common human reaction to grief. The first way to handle the problem and return to a sense of community is to simply realize your feelings are not uncommon and that aloneness is part of the healing process. It is okay to affirm how you feel.
The sense of feeling alone in a crowd comes from human losses we experience and the loss of familiar locations. When I left home from Anderson, Indiana, where I had grown up, and journeyed to east Tennessee for college, I missed home. They call it being homesick, and it is real. I would never again walk the streets of my home place as a resident. Now, I would be a visitor to a location I loved.
I sat in the orientation gathering with hundreds of other students, but I was alone. However, my condition lasted only for a time. I would make new friends and enjoy extraordinary experiences in my “new” home.
There are also those challenging seasons of life that make us feel like no one could possibly understand how we feel, so we subconsciously close a few relational doors for a time. We want to indulge our pain. This, too, is okay. Some experiences are so profound they override logic, and we survive on emotion. But this too shall pass.
Here are a few thoughts on how to push through this sensation.
· Let yourself feel at peace with the experience because it is acceptable, but don’t set up camp there.
· Try not to blame others for your struggle. Friends and family are likely trying everything they know how to do to help you through it, but it will take a while for your doors to open completely.
· Stay in community. We feel something is wrong with ourselves or others, and the inclination tries to separate us from the network we need to work through the situation. Keep going to church and small groups. Don’t walk out on your team. They are still there for you, and eventually, your doors will open, and there will be fellowship and kinship.
· Do not depend on social media connections to make you feel better. Many quality studies prove that social media produces a sense of isolation. In fact, after the 2007 release of the iPhone, there was a marked increase in depression, especially among teens. (Harvard Medicine – the Magazine of Harvard Medical School. Spring 2023.) Even if your social interactions don’t feel good during the “aloneness” periods, they help you find your way back to wholeness.
· If the condition persists for months, perhaps it is time to seek therapy with a professional. It is okay to seek help. People working with those experiencing this malady can help you understand your situation.
If you are friends with someone experiencing loneliness, hang in there with them. They may not reciprocate your kindness, but keep showing it anyway. You may be their lifeline in the sea of sadness. The Apostle Paul explains the process in 2 Corinthians chapter one.
“3 All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. 4 He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (emphasis mine)
My friend and I have attended the Penn State/Indiana basketball game at State College for several years. I’m a staunch Hoosier fan, but my team has not fared well against the Lions in recent years. My friend, Rick, is a Michigan grad; "Go Blue!” is his motto. In the stadium, we stand out like cardinals in a holly bush. In fact, the maize-colored “M” fares worse than Hoosier Crimson. Indiana is never a threat during football season. We could feel very alone in the crowd.
However, Penn State fans treat us kindly. We make jokes about our teams and rivalry and enjoy some good conversation. And when my Hoosiers lose, I’ve never been chided by a gloating “We are” fan. We were all there to have fun.
When someone looks alone in a crowd, or you know they feel that way, don’t abandon them. They need you.
May your feelings of loneliness in a crowd subside quickly, followed by you helping another comrade through the same yucky feeling.
Live Inspired!
Don Mark
